Chapter 4: The Million-Dollar Mutt: A Funny Detective Story With a Dog

The Misfire: Chaos for Hire — Chapter 4

Max Mercer had handled kidnappings before. Usually, he caused them by accident. However, this was the first time anyone had hired him to rescue a victim with four legs, a championship pedigree, and better hair than most movie stars.

This funny detective story with a dog began at 9:17 on a Thursday morning. That was when a white limousine stopped outside the basement office of Chaos for Hire. It blocked two parking spaces, one fire hydrant, and the only sunlight that had reached Max’s window all week.

The rear door opened. Countess Natalia Barkova stepped onto the sidewalk in a silver coat, dark glasses, and enough diamonds to interfere with local radio reception. An assistant followed her carrying an insultingly well-groomed white poodle on a velvet cushion.

The poodle looked through the basement window and sneered.

Max had never seen a dog sneer before. Somehow, this one had mastered it.

“Mr. Mercer,” the countess said as she entered his office, “I require discretion, courage, and complete competence.”

Max swept three broken gadgets and half a pastrami sandwich into his desk drawer.

“You’ve definitely come to the right building,” he said.

The countess placed a photograph on his desk. It showed a magnificent silver Borzoi standing beside a trophy taller than Max. Around the dog’s neck glittered a wide platinum collar covered in red, blue, and clear stones.

“This is Grand Duke Maximilian Volkov the Third,” she said. “Maxi to his friends.”

“Great name,” said Max.

“He disappeared from his grooming suite this morning. The Metropolitan City Dog Show begins at noon. He must be found before the championship parade.”

The poodle gave a tiny cough that sounded suspiciously like laughter.

“And the collar?” Max asked.

“Priceless to my family,” said the countess. “Worth one million dollars to my insurance company.”

Max opened a fresh case file and wrote: Find rich dog. Avoid losing rich collar. Do not pet poodle without written consent.

Then he underlined the word dog twice. He was officially a detective.

The Experimental Scent Scanner

Max’s plan was simple. That should have worried everyone.

He removed a device from his utility belt. It resembled a television remote taped to a toaster. Three colored wires dangled from the back, while a green radar screen blinked on the front.

“The G.R.I.T. Experimental Olfactory Acquisition Tracker,” Max announced. “I found it in a box marked ‘Rejected Prototypes—Do Not Activate Near Ham.’”

The countess lowered her glasses. “Does it work?”

“It beeped at a meatball once.”

Max needed something that carried Maxi’s scent. The countess handed him a silver hair from the missing dog’s monogrammed brush. He opened the scanner’s sample chamber and carefully held the hair above it.

At that exact moment, the office radiator coughed.

The desk drawer popped open. Max’s pastrami sandwich sprang free, bounced off the filing cabinet, and slapped against the scanner. The dog hair floated harmlessly into Max’s coffee.

The scanner chirped.

SCENT ACQUIRED: PASTRAMI. CONFIDENCE: 112%.

Max wiped mustard from the display before the countess could read it.

“We have a trail,” he said.

The scanner led them through three alleys, across a flower market, and into the lobby of the Grand Regency Hotel. Every few seconds, it emitted a triumphant beep. Max followed it past the grooming suites and directly into the hotel kitchen.

There, the device pointed at a lunch cart.

“Decoy,” Max whispered.

The poodle rolled its eyes.

Its name, Max learned, was Lord Chauncey of Kensington. Chauncey belonged to the countess’s sister and held two national obedience titles. He also wore a blue bow that remained perfectly level, even when he yawned with contempt.

The scanner suddenly shrieked. A squat brown bulldog had appeared beneath the lunch cart. Before Max could react, the dog grabbed the pastrami sandwich from his coat pocket and bolted through the kitchen doors.

“Maxi!” Max shouted.

Countess Barkova stared at the bulldog’s stubby legs and enormous head.

“That is not my dog.”

“He may have changed his appearance.”

“He has changed breeds.”

“Criminals are getting very sophisticated.”

Max chased the bulldog into the street.

The Wrong Bulldog Knows the Right Way

The bulldog moved like a runaway ottoman. He barreled between pedestrians, slid under a produce stand, and sent twelve cabbages bouncing into traffic. Max followed while apologizing to everyone, including the cabbages.

Chauncey trotted behind him without disturbing a single hair.

The scanner locked onto the sandwich in the bulldog’s mouth. Its arrow pointed forward as the dog crossed Sudbury Avenue and disappeared through the swinging door of a laundromat called The Clean Getaway.

The sign beneath the name promised: We Remove Every Stain—No Questions Asked.

“That seems reassuring,” Max said.

Inside, washing machines churned along both walls. A motorized overhead conveyor carried plastic-wrapped clothes toward the back room. Behind the counter stood a broad man in a lavender suit. His shirt collar rose high enough to provide weather protection.

“No dogs,” the man growled.

Chauncey stopped at the threshold and looked offended that anyone might classify him as one.

The bulldog swallowed the final bite of pastrami and sat beside Max. A brass tag on his collar read DETECTIVE PICKLES.

“See?” Max said. “He’s with law enforcement.”

The man’s eyes narrowed. “That’s the owner’s dog. Pickles ain’t a detective.”

Detective Pickles growled at the back room.

Max’s scanner growled too, although that may have been a loose fan.

“Mr. Malone, I presume?” Countess Barkova said from the doorway.

The man froze.

Max had not known his name. Nevertheless, he nodded as if this development matched a flowchart in his head.

Suds Malone owned twelve laundromats, three car washes, and a nightclub where every table required dry cleaning afterward. Countess Barkova recognized him because he had tried to buy Maxi’s collar at a charity auction the previous month.

“Sentimental collector,” Suds said. “Now take the dogs and scram.”

Detective Pickles slipped between his ankles and charged through a curtain marked EMPLOYEES ONLY.

Max followed. After all, the only detective on the case appeared to have a lead.

A Funny Detective Story With a Dog—and Too Much Soap

The back room did not contain laundry.

It contained money.

Hundred-dollar bills hung from drying racks. Uncut sheets covered long tables. Industrial printers hummed beside tubs of green ink, while three men in aprons fed stacks of blank paper into a machine.

“Gift certificates?” Max asked.

“Counterfeit currency,” Countess Barkova replied.

“I was going to guess that next.”

Suds Malone shoved past the curtain and slammed his palm onto a red button. Metal shutters dropped over the windows. The front door locked. Two counterfeiters advanced with laundry bags pulled over their heads like masks.

The eyeholes did not line up.

One walked into a folding table.

“Nobody leaves,” Suds announced.

“That’s all right,” Max said. “I parked in a loading zone, so my car may already have left without me.”

He reached for a smoke capsule on his utility belt. Instead, he grabbed the scent scanner. Its loose wires tangled around the overhead conveyor’s control lever.

Max stepped backward.

The lever snapped down.

Every clothes hook in the building lurched forward at once.

One caught Suds by the lavender jacket. Another hooked a laundry cart. A third snagged Max’s trench coat and lifted him off the floor.

“Totally part of the plan!” Max shouted as the conveyor carried him toward an industrial pressing machine.

Chauncey sat safely beneath a table. Somehow, his bow remained level.

Detective Pickles chased the dangling pastrami wrapper in Max’s pocket. He jumped, missed, and crashed into a pallet of detergent. Boxes toppled in a neat row toward a fifty-gallon drum labeled ULTRA-CONCENTRATED.

The final box struck the drum’s valve.

A blue stream shot across the room.

It hit a high-pressure hot-water hose, which whipped free and sprayed the detergent into every open washing machine. Foam burst from the doors. It rolled across the floor, climbed the tables, and swallowed the counterfeiters up to their waists.

Then something strange happened to the money.

The green ink began to run.

The Counterfeit Cash Washes Clean

Blue soap streaked across the counterfeit bills. Benjamin Franklin’s face stretched, frowned, and slid off the paper. Serial numbers dripped into the floor drains. Within seconds, half a million dollars had transformed into damp white rectangles.

“Water-soluble ink,” Countess Barkova said.

Suds looked horrified. “It was cheaper!”

“That wasn’t supposed to happen,” Max said as the conveyor swung him over the foam. “But I’ll take it!”

Suds tore free from his jacket and lunged toward a small computer near the printers. He yanked a red, bone-shaped flash drive from the machine.

“Without this,” he yelled, “you can’t prove anything!”

He threw it toward an open washer.

Detective Pickles launched himself through the air.

The bulldog caught the drive before it reached the spinning drum. He landed in the foam, vanished for two seconds, and emerged with the plastic bone clenched between his teeth.

Max gave him two thumbs up. This caused him to lose his grip on the conveyor.

His trench coat ripped down the back. Max dropped into a laundry cart, which rolled downhill across the wet floor. It struck the control panel and raised the metal shutters.

Sunlight poured through the windows.

So did six police officers.

They had followed a river of green ink flowing from the laundromat into the street. Detective Pickles trotted to the first officer and deposited the evidence drive into her hand.

The drive held printing templates, account ledgers, delivery schedules, and a folder named DEFINITELY NOT CRIMES.

“Good dog,” the officer said.

Pickles sat proudly.

Max climbed out of the cart wearing only one sleeve of his trench coat. The rest had disappeared into the conveyor system.

“Case closed,” he said.

Countess Barkova crossed her arms. “My dog is still missing.”

“Case slightly ajar.”

Then Chauncey barked for the first time.

Everyone turned.

The poodle pointed his perfect nose toward a narrow service passage behind the drying racks. Silver hairs clung to the doorway.

At last, Max’s scanner displayed something other than pastrami.

SCENT ACQUIRED: EXPENSIVE CONDITIONER.

The Million-Dollar Collar

The service passage led to an alley behind the laundromat. There, Max found an empty dog carrier, a torn grooming ribbon, and several diamonds scattered beside a storm drain.

They were not decorative crystals. They were flawless, unregistered stones worth far more than one million dollars.

Suds stopped pretending he knew nothing.

His counterfeit business had served as cover for a smuggling operation. An accomplice at the dog show had replaced Maxi’s costume collar with a nearly identical one set with real diamonds. Suds planned to steal the collar after the parade, move the stones through his laundromat deliveries, and return the dog before anyone noticed.

However, the swap went wrong. Maxi escaped from the groomer. Suds grabbed him outside the hotel, but the Borzoi slipped his carrier when Detective Pickles attacked the getaway van for trespassing near the laundromat.

“Pickles has strong opinions about parking,” a police officer explained.

The countess stared at the loose stones. “I thought the collar held glass.”

“That explains why the insurance company only valued it at a million,” Max said.

The collar itself was gone. So was Maxi.

The city dog show would begin in twenty minutes.

Max followed the scanner through the alley. The signal looped around two dumpsters, stopped at a delicatessen, and directed him toward a pastrami delivery truck.

“I believe your machine is still tracking lunch,” said the countess.

“It’s very committed.”

They hurried back to the Grand Regency. Countess Barkova searched the grooming rooms. Police officers checked the loading docks. Detective Pickles inspected every catering cart with professional dedication.

Max stood beside the main arena and tried to think like a championship dog.

This produced no useful ideas, although he suddenly wanted someone to brush his hair.

An announcer’s voice filled the hall.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the championship parade will now begin!”

The Dog Makes an Entrance

Lord Chauncey entered the arena first.

The poodle floated across the carpet like a cloud with legal representation. The audience applauded. Judges leaned forward. Not one hair moved out of place.

Chauncey reached the center platform, stopped, and looked toward the emergency exit.

Then he barked twice.

The door swung open.

Grand Duke Maximilian Volkov the Third strolled into the arena.

The silver Borzoi wore Max’s missing trench coat draped across his back like a cape. One sleeve trailed behind him. Soap bubbles sparkled in his fur. Around his neck, the diamond collar flashed beneath the lights.

The crowd rose to its feet.

Maxi had followed Max’s coat after it shot from the laundromat’s conveyor vent. The garment smelled like pastrami, mustard, smoke capsules, and poor decisions. To Maxi, apparently, it smelled like home.

The Borzoi crossed the arena and stopped beside the countess. She wrapped both arms around him.

Detective Pickles arrived a moment later with a catering sausage in his mouth. He sat beside Maxi as camera flashes filled the room.

The judges held a hurried conference. Technically, Maxi had missed his scheduled entrance. Technically, Pickles was not entered. Technically, no rule covered a contestant arriving in evidence from an active federal investigation.

The head judge took the microphone.

“For extraordinary composure under unusual conditions, we award Grand Duke Maximilian the Judges’ Medal. We also present Detective Pickles with a special prize for civic service.”

Pickles received a blue ribbon and ate it.

Chauncey placed second. His expression suggested that society had collapsed.

One strand of hair fell across his left eye.

Max considered that the day’s most shocking event.

Every Plan Backfires Into Success

Police recovered every diamond from the collar. They also arrested Suds Malone and dismantled his counterfeiting network. The evidence drive led investigators to three hidden print shops, two offshore accounts, and a sandwich shop that had never passed a health inspection.

Countess Barkova paid Max his full fee, plus a bonus for recovering the dog, the diamonds, and what she called “the dignity of the Barkova name.”

She also handed him a silver lunch box.

Inside waited a fresh pastrami sandwich.

“For your next investigation,” she said.

“Hopefully, I won’t need it.”

The scent scanner beeped from his utility belt and pointed at the sandwich.

Detective Pickles lifted his head.

Max backed toward the exit.

“Easy, Detective. The case is over.”

Pickles charged.

Max ran through the dog show with the bulldog at his heels. He tripped over Maxi’s discarded grooming ribbon, ducked under a display table, and accidentally unplugged an illegal dog-tonic booth. A hidden panel fell open and revealed forty bottles of banned performance enhancers.

Security officers blew their whistles.

The vendor tried to escape. Chauncey stepped into his path, perfectly poised and magnificently smug. The man stumbled into a stack of empty kennels.

Max looked at the newly exposed evidence, the cheering crowd, and the bulldog eating his sandwich.

“Wait,” he said. “Did I just save the day again?”

Chauncey sneezed on his shoe.

Max nodded. “Fair.”

He left the arena without his coat, without his lunch, and without any idea how the police report would explain him.

Behind him, Detective Pickles barked once.

It sounded like case closed.